Losing Something I Never Had

I don't really know where to start or how to start or what to say. For that matter, why I'm even putting this out there for everyone. I feel most of my blog is surface, which is fine and most of the time all I have time for, but I thought it may be time for some transparency and to take a que from my Sister's blog. If she can put her inner thoughts & struggles out there then why should I be any different. So with a heart that is tearfully-heavy, emotions that are high and low, being upset and at peace, part of me finds it theraputic and hopes it will touch someone. And believe me, this all may seem trivial to those who've had more difficult times recently b/c I, myself, don't know how I could be so torn up over something that never really was.

It starts in January...Kevin and I decided to give Clomid another try. Much to our surprise...it worked. It actually worked. I went in for the initial blood test & my numbers came back...but very low. The nurses/doctor thought we caught the pregnancy really early. So, I went back for testing 2 days later to find my numbers went down 3 points...the nurses prepared me for what was thought to be the inevitable. I went back for more testing so they could follow me down to zero. Wouldn't you know...the numbers went up...a lot! So, we're back on track with quiet optimism. Again, 2 days later, numbers doubled. Still remaining hopeful. 2 days later, the numbers went up 66%. Although they didn't double, the doctor said it fell in the normal range but wanted an ultrasound just to make sure there was a sac...maybe we wouldn't see a heartbeat...but at least we'd make sure the numbers weren't lying and we were headed in the right direction. All the while I am on a continual rollercoaster ride that I didn't buy a ticket for. I felt emotions I never had before...I felt like a failure b/c I felt I didn't do something right for this baby & in the meantime, I felt neglectful of my Little Man & dear Husband.

That brings us to Wed, Feb 25. Kevin is out of town & Hudson is with me for the day...so I call in reinforcements...MOM! She comes up for the day to help entertain Hudson & be my support system. After a long, pain-staking wait, we head back to the ultrasound room. The tech measures & looks only to find...nothing. No sac, no embryo, no fluid...nothing. My heart sank, tears welled up but deep down, I wasn't totally surprised. Back to taking more blood. I head into the office the next day to find my levels went up again. WHAT?! However, after the ultrasound findings, my wonderful doctor who was almost as devastated as I, said he is 75% sure we're dealing with a tubal pregnancy. Although we saw nothing in my tubes, the low range of increasing numbers led him to believe there wasn't anything big enough to see yet. There were a couple of options but for my safety, my physical & mental health, we chose to go ahead with an injection that would help clean out what was there. It did put Kevin & me at ease knowing there were options out there...that this has happened before, and we'll make it through.

I tried not to get attached...after all, there was nothing to get attached to. But for some reason, it hurts. It really hurts. For almost 3 weeks, I just wanted some finality. I wanted to start growing the sweet thing to be strong & healthy, or I wanted nature to take its course so I could let go & we could try again, and I could get back to being Hudson's mommy & Kevin's wife - sans tears. I feel though that I've only lost the idea of something and not a tangible object. Right now, life is getting easier and I'm focusing on the positive which is I ovulated and we conceived...timing just wasn't right.

Keeping focus on my Heavenly Father & His plan {not mine} was hardest and this morning's sermon convicted me. Andy preached from Philipians to "worry about nothing but in prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." I didn't reveal to God my true fears during this time. I prayed for an answer, for the health of me and a baby but I didn't confess that I was terrified of the physical pain and the fear of not getting pregnant again. Andy also talked about in moments of uncertainty being the most focused on God. I was focused on Him but at the same time, un-trusting of His abilities. However, I know He has our best interests at heart, and if another child is in our future, He will bless us with one...in His time.

my favorite flowers from my sweet ma

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Psalm 37:4-5 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.